Category: Faith

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What should we discuss before marriage?

Understanding that you and your partner are different people in many ways is very important. When you understand this, you will see the need to know what their thoughts are on many things and voice your own thoughts and opinions too.

You can’t be having conflicting opinions about many crucial things in life with someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with.

I had a discussion with a few friends; married, newly married, about to be married, and singles about what partners should discuss before marriage.

I got a lot of interesting and helpful responses which I’m about to share.

So, if you intend getting married anytime in future, keep reading. You should also share with your friends who need to know these things.

sharing is caring

I am certain that no one has ever gone into marriage 100% prepared but causes for disagreements can be drastically reduced when certain things are discussed and settled ahead of time.

From my personal knowledge and the discussion I had with my friends, I coined out the following.

What should we discuss before marriage?

1. Money

lol, I tried hard not to make this the first but I couldn’t help it. Your finances when you’re single or dating is entirely different from when you get married. In fact, according to a research, money is the leading cause for divorce.

It is important to keep emotions aside and logically and clearly talk about money and money roles. Be clear on your mindsets about money. Are you on the same page in that regard? Discuss the following questions:

  • Will both parties be working and earning money?
  • Is any party indebted? Talk about debts.
  • Are you both going to have a joint account?
  • What percentage of your income goes into the joint account?
  • Who pays for what? (Down to little things around the house)
  • Spending habits (How much is too much to be spent on luxuries like cars, shopping, etc)
  • Necessary investments to make and what percentage of income should go in that direction.
  • Plans to secure the financial future of kids.

2. Daily Routine

Our lives are a sum of our daily activities. It’s easy to focus on the big and major stuff and discuss them while we ignore the “little stuff”. However, the seemingly little things now have the tendency to become a big deal in marriage. It’s better to leave no stones unturned.

“I feel Intending couples should invest quality time in talking about their daily routine. This is because the the couple would be spending the rest on their lives together Living each day at a time, so it’s good dig in to what each person expects on a daily basis. Nothing breeds frustration like assumptions”

Talk about your daily routine. Ask questions.

  • What time should we be awake?
  • What time should be dedicated to morning altar and what activities should be done? (Bible reading or just prayer, praise and worship?)
  • How long should the morning devotion be?
  • What devotional guide/study plan will be used (especially if you don’t attend same denomination)
  • Time for night prayer
  • Should a goodnight kiss become a tradition every night?
  • When there is a misunderstanding, is it okay to go to bed that way and discuss when we are both calm or must we settle before going to bed?
  • Do we sleep with lights on or off?

Duties

  • Who does what? (Dresses the bed/arranges the room, cleans other areas of the house, washes and cleans the car(s), fixes dinner, takes out the trash, does the dishes and must dishes be done every night or it’s okay to carry over to morning?)
  • Who does the final checks for the night (lock doors, switch on security/outside lights and switch of indoor lights, TV and other electronic gadgets)

3. Sex

Seeing that a christian relationship is not a Sexually active one, it’s best to leave it till it’s close to the wedding. But you can talk about what you think you’d like to know. Like how far you are willing to explore your sexual life, how far you are willing to go, how often it should be and so on. It is also pertinent to discuss health concerns, if there are any.

4. Extended family

We must understand that when we marry someone, we are marrying their entire family too. Family is a huge part of both your lives but you’re coming together to start a new family which should be priority.

It is important to create systems to help you still stay in touch with your individual families and show them love but still prioritize each other.

Boundaries should be set. It is important to discuss about every family member in detail with your spouse to be. This should be vice versa. Emphasis on mum, dad and family members whose voice matter.

Tell your partner about their attitude and how to relate with them. You have lived with your family members all your life & you know their love and anger button. Relate this to your spouse to be to help he /she in relating with them.

How much room is to be given to in-laws?

  • Can in-laws visit? How long? What kind of in-law? (Just immediate family or everyone from the village?)
  • What are you both allowed to do and give to your families?
  • Do in-laws have a say in your marriage? In some families, some important decisions cannot be taken until certain people accept it. Who are these people? Let your partner know them. Could be an aunty, uncle, elder sibling.

5. Children

Children are a big deal. Forgetting to discuss them is a recipe for many unnecessary future differences.

  • Do you both want kids?
  • Are you waiting before having kids?
  • How many kids?
  • Are you spacing them?
  • Godforbid, but if the need arises, are you both open to the idea of things like IVFs, C-sections, Surrogacy?
  • Dual citizenship for your kids? Are you saving up or praying towards that?
  • Trust funds, and investments for the kids?

6. Family value system

Together, you should create your family value system while courting. Family value system is synonymous to family goals..
This is the system that guides your operation as a family..
For a Christian couple, you should have core values like love, forgiveness, joy, care, righteousness, peace, prosperity, healing, diligence, purity, good character, excellence, patience, faithfulness etc.
These goals will be passed on to the children when they come.

Generally, there shouldn’t be a limit to what can be discussed in a courtship/relationship. It is wise to speak up and ask questions especially about things you have concerns about. Communicate and avoid assumptions like a plague.

Special thanks to Mrs B. Andrews, Chef George, Mrs. O, and Chef Paul for their huge contributions to this post.

What other topics should be discussed before marriage? Leave a comment and let us continue the conversation below.

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SHARE YOUR STORY;OWN YOUR BROKENNESS

Now this is one step in this book that took me a lot of tears, prayers and trepidation to write about. Why?

Because I am also going to share my story, as I am instructed to do so by God. I know that God called me out of my imperfections and He intends to use them for Himself – to shine forth the light to others; but what He has asked me to share in this step is too deep.

I have told Him that I will definitely not find a husband after sharing this deep dark story in a book that will be read by lots of people but He has told me that that’s okay – I am not supposed to find him anyway, he will bring the husband to me.

I have asked Him what people will think about this; what will my parents think? And His only response to me was that He intends to use my imperfections for Himself. He has asked me to share my story, let Him heal me and heal the scars of others through this too.

And if He wants me to share my story in this book, then who am I to say no?

Never mind that I knew that I would share this story openly but wanted to wait till I was married with kids. But if He says now, then I say yes Lord.

Remember the relationship I talked about in “a bit of my walk in purpose” up there? I committed two abortions while I was in it. I was a novice at the sex deal and knew nothing about birth control. And so after eating the forbidden fruit outside of marriage for a few months, I got pregnant – of course that’s what you get when you have unprotected sex (and just so we know, any form of sex – protected or not – is frowned on by God when done outside marriage).

The obvious answer was to abort it because I could not imagine my parents knowing about it; neither could I imagine my fellowship at school getting wind of it.

To my young mind, there wasn’t really a choice to be made – just take it off. And the next time I got pregnant again, the answer was again simple – just take it off.

Most persons will tell you about the medical procedure but no one tells you about the psychological procedure involved in letting it all go.

Even after giving my life to Christ and becoming a tongue speaking lover of Christ, I still cowered under the weight of condemnation and scars gotten not from the abortion instruments used by the doctor, but scars deeply etched into my soul. I carried them around for years till God addressed my issue in a meeting I attended while I was at Law School.

The preacher suddenly veered off into talking about the weight of condemnation arising from past sins of abortion and I remember crying my heart and eyes out as I prayed to God. And that was it.

One sincere heart to heart talk with God and everything was taken away.

I remember speaking to my elder brother, the only person who knew that I had committed an abortion, and telling Him that God just addressed my issue in the meeting I just attended. That meeting happened in 2013.

This is 2015 and I can without doubt say that the weight of condemnation is all gone from my soul. I do not know how God did it, but a sense of wholeness overwhelmed me from that day. I finally believed like His Word says that He has washed me of all sins I committed before I came to Him and I am now a new creation in Christ.

As I type this right now, I am thinking of how God has taken my life and washed it clean one step at a time. So many dark stories – so many dark crevices – He took them all and let His light shine through them all.

This girl in Christ would not be here today without those dark years. But God has turned those dark years into light.

Who am I? Who is this flawed imperfect girl with a shady past that He loves this much? And then He still calls this broken-flawed-girl beautiful.

He not only brought light to my life through the dark years, He wants to bring light to others through my own past darkness.

I remember sharing this story in a conference I was opportune to speak at and the number of ladies that were just set free from the sins they were struggling with. What kind of God turns that which men believe should be hidden into testimonies for Himself?

Why would He want me to put something the world deems so shameful into a book – to be read by lots of people?

I mean, I used to be so ashamed of my past. I used to cover up in disgust at some of the things that I did in the past. But He has made me see; how can I not share my story about how God saved me from myself with others?

Someone else’s light can be lighted through God’s light in me and it would be a shame to miss out on bringing another life to God’s light.

Now, I believe that you understand why I feel an aching pain in my heart to spread forth the truth that young girls should live purposeful lives. I was once like them – drifting along with no idea that God has created me to be more and do more.

No one told me then that God has a unique niche for me to fill on earth. I had to grow into that knowledge as God revealed it to me and that’s exactly what I don’t want to be repeated in the lives of these young girls. Someone has to tell them not to repeat the same mistakes that I made and if it has to be me, then by all means, let it be me.

God knows that I have been there before so I know how it all works. So what did He do with my experience? He set it all up as a part of my purpose in Him.

And I believe that God wants every one of us to understand this truth too. Our past experiences weren’t given to us for us to sweep them under the carpet; they are all used in the good works that God has prepared for us before the beginning of time. Every experience – painful or not – that has ever happened in our lives lead us up to just one thing – God’s purpose for us. For God’s light to shine through our past darkness.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”– Romans 8:28, NLT

The past we feel like hiding all culminates in God’s purpose for our lives. We have got to look deep down into the experiences we have had in our lives. More often than not, God will also use them to point us towards our purpose on earth.

We are always drawn towards people going through what we have gone through in time past. But the thing is, we usually don’t like to look back into the past, some of us just want to bury the terrible experiences and sometimes, I want to do that too.

My family situation was rough for a better part of my young life and I do not like to remember the years when we always had my parents fighting in our home, but when I see a girl crying about her family situation, I know that I must tell her my story and let her know that God restores homes.

And it should be the same for us too.Our past experiences are lamp stands that point us towards who God wants us to be and what He wants us to do on earth for Him. Don’t hide the pain, let the pain of past experiences be healed by God and when He makes you whole again, use those experiences to bless the lives in front of you.God works out everything in our lives for good – He uses the good and the bad to bring out His good purposes in our lives. Don’t beat yourself up about your past, give it all to God and let Him wrought purpose in you through it.

He will mould that sad tale – that story you are tempted to sweep under the carpet and use it to bless lives for Him.Pay close attention to your past and present life experiences. Everything that has ever happened in your life leads you right back to walking in purpose for God while on earth. Let God mould you and bring you forth as refined gold for Him – usable for every good work.

Please share your story. Please own your brokenness. A life out there needs to hear it.

This is Step six, an excerpt from the book “10 Steps To Walking In Purpose” written by Hephzibah Frances.

Available for FREE download on: Amazon, Okada books, Smashwords, Bambooks,

To Keep In touch with the Author, follow her on: Instagram @HephzibahFrances

Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorHephzibahFrances

Twitter: @HephzibahFranBlog:

www.hephzibahfrances.com

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How to make better decisions as a Christian Woman

Making decisions can be a daunting experience. From little decisions like what shoes to wear to huge decisions like what friends to keep, career path to choose, relationship to go into or even who to marry.

I used to have such a huge dilemma whenever I had to pick. I see myself as an indecisive person sometimes. I could sit at a store for hours wondering what to go for. I could sit with two dresses for minutes wondering which to pick. Imagine me trying to make huge decisions. Whoa!

I take as much time as I can just because “I don’t want to make the wrong decision”.
While my fear is really not necessary, it is valid because the decisions we make have direct implications on our tomorrows.

This is why I outlined a few things that help me and will help every Christian woman make better decisions faster.

Filter/Sieve

Personally, I think this is the first thing every believer faced with different choices should do.

Wait. I’ll explain what I mean by filter.

Picture this: You’re about to bake a cake and you’re faced with bag of flour. You need just two cups of the flour and you proceed to take out your measuring cup. Then something happens.

You notice some coarse and rough particles inside your flour. Do you proceed to take out the flour like that or you sieve first? I want to believe you’ll sieve first.

The rough particles represent those options that should be taken out immediately because, they are outrightly wrong, bad and even harmful to us.

This is the first thing you should do when faced with a decision. Using our flour and particle illustration, employ the elimination principle by first taking out the options that are rough particles – unpleasant.

There are certain options that are outrightly bad. As a believer, there are certain things you should steer away from without being told. Some options are clearly wrong. Don’t make deciding more difficult for yourself.

Eliminate the options that are outrightly bad for you. I don’t want to give practical examples but I’ll throw caution in the wind and give one.

Jane is trying to grow her relationship with God and 4 different guys are asking for her hand in marriage. Brother 1 is a normal church goer, number 2 is an unbeliever, number 3 is a choir leader, and number 4 is a free thinker who has a very nonchalant outlook and attitude to God.

Using the elimination principle, Jane can make her decision easier by taking out number 2 and 4 even before she begins to pray about it because you can be 99% certain that they are not the will of God for her life. This goes a long way to reduce her deliberations.
This does not mean that any of the other two guys are automatically right, but it helps narrow her focus more.

The Lenses of the Word.

One reliable way to make better decisions as a woman of God is to look at the options available through the lenses of God’s Word. God’s Word is meant to be a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. This means that taking steps and making decisions without the Word is basically walking in darkness. You can’t take steps in darkness and expect not to miss a step. Judge everything through God’s Word.

Pray

Prayer has a way of making things align. Prayer is a very great place to start if you are confused. Pray to clear your head. Pray to see more clearly. Pray to clear off confusion. Pray enquiry prayers to get answers and inclinations.

Listen to your inner witness

You have been given the Holy Spirit as a seal for your salvation. This means that the Holy Spirit dwells in you and He guides you. Listen.

Think long-term and delay gratification.

It is a natural thing for humans to want what satisfies and brings immediate pleasure. This is good, however, some instant pleasure have unpleasant effects on the future. The decision you’re about to make is likely linked with your future. Will this choice have a bad effect on your tomorrow? If you see marriage and having kids in your future, will this decision contribute to having a great marriage and raising awesome kids? How about your health? Does this decision do good to your body long-term or does it have future unpleasant effects?

A wise woman would rather bear her burden now than push it off till later. Think long-term.

AFTER DECIDING

After making a decision, you should do the following:

  • Be confident about your decision: Many times, after choosing to take a stand for what is right, you may begin to have doubts about it. Especially if you made a choice that is not popular. The opinions of people may even make you feel like you have done something stupid. You must learn to be confident in what you have chosen. Be proud of it and own it. Be responsible and ready for whatever
    outcome it brings. Doing this will be easier if your decision was guided from the beginning using the steps above.
  • Expect great results: Don’t accommodate fear and thoughts of things going wrong. Expect good things to happen.

“You and only you are responsible for your life choices and decisions.” Robert T. Kiyosaki