Tag: Love

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Relationship || Tame Your Love Language

Everything is permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything [and brought under its power, allowing it to control me].
1 CORINTHIANS 6:12 AMP

Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
If you exist on planet earth, then you must have, at one time or the other, come across the question “What is your Love language?” Or even read the book “5 Love languages” by Gary Chapman.

People give and receive love in different ways.
The purpose of understanding love languages is to help you give love properly because, love languages are simply the unique ways people want to be loved and are likely the ways they give love to others.

Many a times, people speak their own love language to their partner instead of trying to understand their partner’s love language and this leaves them both in confusion like the people who attempted building the tower of Babel.

For complete unity and cooperation, you must speak the same language or at least understand each other’s language so you both can speak it well.

If a man’s love language is words of affirmation but his lady’s love language is physical touch and they’re both not aware of each other’s love language, she’ll always be clingy and he won’t understand why. And he’ll always shower her with praises and expect her to do same but she will not appreciate his words of affirmation neither will she reciprocate.

So, understanding your love language and your partner’s, and properly communicating it amongst yourselves is very important.
But that isn’t the aim of my post today.

I wrote all of that to create a background for people who aren’t very aware of what a love language is.

The point of my post today, is to ask you to get a grip on your love language.

While musing, praying and brainstorming on what post to make for valentine, a friend called me and we had a discussion that inspired me to write this article. The topic “Tame your love language” immediately came to my mind.
I’ve seen people time and time again, use love language as an excuse for their extreme behaviors.

For instance, when a lady is materialistic, you hear her say things like “Receiving gifts is my love language“. When a guy is slowly drifting towards fornication and is queried, he says “Physical touch is my love language”.

Who are we trying to deceive?

In his letter to the Corinthians, Apostle Paul clearly explained that we must be careful not to become slaves to certain things.

“….Just because something is technically legal doesn’t mean that it’s spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I’d be a slave to my whims…”
1 Corinthians 6:12 (MSG)

Your love language is the way you receive love, not the ruling factor of your life. This is particularly for singles.

You must learn to tame your love language because;

  • Your love language is likely your weak point and if you’re slave to it, it’ll lead you to sin.
  • You are expected to control your physical urges and appetites especially as a Christian.
  • Your partner likely has a different love language and a relationship is about 2 people so your love language has to be suppressed in order to give theirs, space for expression.

You should read this – KEYS AND SCRIPTURES FOR A HEALTHY CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP

Below, I’ll list the love languages and state the disadvantages of being extreme about them and also how you can curb them.

1. Words of affirmation

To me, this is the easiest love language because it costs next to nothing. It’s good to love words of affirmation from your partner but when it becomes excessive, you should watch it.
Learn to be confident in yourself and in your identity in Christ, such that whether or not you’re appreciated, you won’t be affected.

Excessive wants for words of affirmation can leave you in a state of unhealthy dependence on what others think of you.
Avoid craving the affirmation of men because you’ll be disappointed a lot of the time.

2. Quality time.

If quality time is your love language, learn to be considerate. Your partner may be sensitive and not want to hurt your feelings. So they may not tell you when you’re consuming the time they planned for other important things.
Enjoy the time spent and their company but also try to consider their own schedules too. Especially if quality time is not their love language.

In a bid to spend “quality time” with each other,you both be using up time meant for other equally important projects and end up being unproductive.

3. Receiving gifts

This is even more disturbing when you’re not married yet, and you’re obsessed with receiving gifts from them.
Curb your appetite for material things, especially if your partner does not have a stable income or is not financially buoyant yet.

Appreciate gifts when you’re given but don’t be obsessed.

FLAWS IN CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIPS

4. Acts of service.

Your partner may not be a huge fan of domestic chores and things like that. Don’t put up an attitude every time they can’t help you with chores.

5. Physical touch.

Curb it!!!
Satan is the master of senses and knows how to make little things quickly escalate. If physical touch is your love language, you must be careful. Don’t be ignorant of Satan’s devices. Especially as a Christian, some things are not beneficial to you.

As we celebrate love on Thursday, avoid being extreme and using “it’s my love language” as an excuse.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION – If he doesn’t remember to say “Happy Valentine’s” on time, say it yourself.

QUALITY TIME – If she’s busy or far away from you and can’t spend quality time with you on Valentine’s Day, understand and spend time together on Skype or phone calls.

RECEIVING GIFTS – If you do not get expensive gifts, be content with what you get.

ACTS OF SERVICE – If you don’t see any efforts on her part, politely speak with her about it.

PHYSICAL TOUCH – When the chemistry becomes high and things get heated, take a walk in a public place and avoid unnecessary contact.

Let us love and be loved. But let us do it rightly.

Losing self-control leaves you as helpless as a city without a wall.
Proverbs 25:28 CEV

KISSING IN A CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP

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Relationship || Dealing with your Partner’s Flaws as a Christian

Which of their flaws came to your mind as you saw this topic?

Some years back, I traveled to Abuja to spend some time with my uncle and his family.

One Sunday morning, we set out to church in a rush as we were already very late.

We were almost halfway through when my uncle suddenly parked the car beside the road and rested his head on the steering wheel.

Apparently, he was not feeling too well but insisted on going to church with us.

His wife could drive very well so I suggested she took over from him so he could rest, but he refused. I tried insisting but his wife signalled to me to stop. We ended up being being very late for church that day because my uncle rested for about 20mimutes.

When we got back home, my uncle’s wife explained to me that her husband could be very adamant and when he says “no” especially when he’s stressed or sick, it’s wiser not to push further, at least, not immediately.

Isn’t it amazing how we’re all flawed in one way or another?

I once heard a story of a marriage that had to be dissolved because one of the parties thought toothpaste tube should be squeezed from the bottom but the other, squeezed the tube from any part of the body.

The “organized one” couldn’t live with someone who didn’t have respect for toothpaste ?? (Ignore my dry humor please. I couldn’t help but say that ⬆).

Let us admit, after the euphoria and excitement in the first few days, weeks or even months of your relationship, you begin to face reality and admit that your partner is not the perfect walking deity you thought they were.

When the bubbling chemicals in you, subside and flaws begin to be unveiled, You both realize that chemistry and biology are not enough to keep a relationship anymore.

Flaws are numerous because they’re a part of our humanity. Here are few of the countless flaws that exist in relationships: Lack of financial wisdom, lack of confidence, bad communication skills, bad chatting skills, too little attention, too much attention, inability to plan or organize things, nagging, tardiness, dirtiness, nonchalance, lack of toothpaste squeezing skills, snoring…

It may be their attitude to life, their obsession with a particular thing, a “not-too-attractive” feature on their body that you didn’t notice earlier, or even their eating style. You begin to painfully admit that your partner is not perfect. In fact, they’re far from perfect.

He’s not so much a gentleman as you thought or he’s even stingy. She doesn’t speak to you in a proper manner or she’s bossy. He plays too much or she’s too serious.

It could even be that he doesn’t earn enough money.

She’s too loud, I wish she could be a little calm, I wish he listened to me a bit more, I wish she didn’t have those big eyes ?, (Yes! Even physical flaws), I wish he was this and that.

Each of these flaws are entirely different… Well, maybe not entirely, but they’re unique and may have to be dealt with, differently.

I’ve come to realize that there’s always one or two things I wish I could change about a person (family members and friends). I know I love my friends and they mean a lot to me but they have habits I wish they didn’t. But since relationships are all about sacrifices, I look away from their flaws and love them regardless.

A love relationship may not be handled exactly the same way because you’ll be living with them for the rest of your life. So you have to observe flaws more critically.

Some flaws can not be dealt with. Hence, going apart is the only solution.

One of which is abuse.

Love yourself enough to be honest and admit if you really can not endure your partner’s excesses. Because they may have harmful long-term effects. The earlier you realize and end it, the better.

But when you realize that the pros outweigh the cons and you know that you do not want to do life without your partner next to you, then you must have a proper understanding on how to approach their flaws.

Personally, I think most flaws can be worked on and adjusted to. Here are practical ways to:

1. Communicate

Some flaws (like character flaws) can be worked on. Tell them about it and how it makes you feel. Don’t pretend to be “unbothered” about his nonchalant lifestyle, tell him his attention is vital to you.
Don’t assume you can endure her endless complaints, tell her how it makes you feel.

You must realize that they’re probably the way they are due to their past, environment or even family experiences. So, unless someone points it out, they may never change.

2. Recognize that they’re human… just like you!

Gold cannot be pure, and people cannot be perfect. – Chinese Proverb

It’s the nature of humans to be bad at something. If anyone looks perfect to you, it’s probably because you’re yet to encounter their flaws. When you’re faced with your partner’s “not-too-good” side, count is as part of their humanity. You have a couple of wrongs yourself.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – Jesus Christ

3. Magnify and Celebrate their good sides

A diamond with flaws is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.

Something attracted you to them in the first place. Find it.

They may be bad at some things but they’re good at many others. Focus on them.

What an absurd thing it is to pass over all the valuable parts of a man, and fix our attention on his infirmities! – Addison

4. Pray for them and love them regardless

John 17:17
Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth

Some of their flaws may be beyond them and God has to step in. Learn to love regardless of shortcomings, just as God loves you.

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet. – Mahatma Gandhi

5. Work on their flaws with them and be patient

Suggest ways that can help, make them see the disadvantages and the harm it could cause to your relationship and be patient as God works on them

6. Realize that some things may never change

This is very important. The flaw may never leave completely so if you think you can live with it find a way to adjust and adapt or even cover up for them.

7. Don’t make them feel bad about it

Don’t destroy their self confidence and worth by emphasizing on it. You have flaws too.

I pray you find someone who loves you like God does and doesn’t judge you based on your flaws. And I pray you become such a person too.

Related: Marriages I follow and learn from

Important keys and scriptures for Christian relationships

Is Honeymoon compulsory?

Can you bear the weight of his assignment?

Kissing in a Christian relationship

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Kissing in a Christian Relationship

Disclaimer!
This post isn’t in any way aimed at judging anyone. Everything you’re about to read was inspired by God’s Spirit and coined from the Bible, research and my personal musings.

This is going to be a fairly lengthy post with a lot of scriptures because the Bible is our reference.

You may not agree with everything you’ll read here due to your mindset, denomination or perspective but it’d be great if you opened up your heart and be flexible enough to let the Holy Spirit minister to you through this post.

The issue of kissing in a Christian relationship is a very touchy and sensitive one but in today’s post, I won’t handle it as such.

So if you’re in a Christian relationship and you and your partner want to honor God as you head towards marriage, you need to read this.

If to you, this shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion because you think it’s perfectly normal to kiss or even have sex in a Christian relationship then I advice you to patiently read on also, you just might learn a thing or two.

If you’re vehemently against posts like this or you’re defensive because you’re already engaged in this act, then I encourage you to read as well because the sin you’re most defensive about is usually the most deadly to your walk with God.

This topic is a volatile one that may want to spread and lead to other things like sex, marriage and so on, but I will try to stay within the boundaries of what we’re talking about today.

I’ve had contemplations about this issue for years now, but God has helped me and brought an end to the tug of war in my mind as and I’ve been able to prayerfully articulate my thoughts, (though not in a very organized form) into this blog post.

I hope you’re blessed, edified and positively transformed as that is the aim of this post.
May the Holy Spirit minister to you as you read.

Titus 1:15 Christian Standard Bible
To the pure, everything is pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; in fact, both their mind and conscience are defiled.

The above scripture, although powerful and well meaning, has been used by many Christian to justify unholy and impure acts.

What is a kiss?

A kiss is the touch or pressing of one’s lips against another person or an object. Cultural connotations of kissing vary widely. Depending on the culture and context, a kiss can express sentiments of love, passion, romance, sexual attraction, sexual activity, sexual arousal, affection, respect, greeting, friendship, peace, and good luck, among many others – Wikipedia

The fact that kisses are a form of greeting should silence the religious shouts of protests that arise in your head every time you hear the word “kiss”.

Also, the word “kiss” is used 46 times in the Bible, in good context, so it can’t be a bad thing.

We have several forms of kisses and they serve different purposes;

  • Kisses can be used to show allegiance e.g when Samuel kissed Saul in 1 Sam 10:1.

1 Samuel 10:1 Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon his head, and kissed him, and said, Is it not because the LORD hath anointed thee to be captain over his inheritance?

  • Kisses can be used to show friendship or love for family e.g Esau’s kiss to Jacob in Gen 33:4.

Genesis 33:4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.

Please take note that Jacob’s kiss to Rachel in Gen 29:1 was one of affection and love for family as Rachel was his cousin.
  • Finally, we have the amorous kiss (also known as the “French kiss”) which we see in Songs of Solomon 1:2.

Song of Solomon 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

This is the kiss we’re talking about.

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Read: Keys and scriptures for Christian relationships

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with showing appreciation and love through harmless kisses on the forehead or cheek, depending on your cultural environment and personal dealings with the Holy Spirit.
But you must know where to draw the lines between a kiss of love and appreciation and that of Lust.

The Amorous or French Kiss

1 CORINTHIANS 6:18–20

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

The “Amorous” Or “French kiss” is one that is directly linked to sexual activities.
It involves passion and arousal and more often than not, results in raging hormones which may eventually lead to fornication.

We must remember that our God is one that searches the heart and not just our actions. The posture of our hearts mean more to God than what we do, so if you have mastered a level of discipline to ensure that your physical touch with your partner does not lead to sex, but you do every other thing, (kissing, hugging, and even cuddling), with a lustful heart, you have fornicated already.

As simple as a hug seems, it can be sinful.

These are bitter pills, I know, but swallow them.

Unfortunately, many “virgins” in today’s world have fornicated many times without the actual physical penetration. This is one of the reasons, I believe why the World Sexual Purity Day (November 14th) isn’t about virgins but for everyone who has chosen to stay sexually pure for God because the moment you make the decision to become sexually pure and honor God with your body, He cleans your past and you start on a new note.

What’s the point of being in a Christian relationship and claiming to abstain from sex until marriage if you still have “unholy kiss”. You have all forms of unnecessary intimacy with your partner (apart from sex) but in your mind, you tell yourself “I know what I would have done to that sister/brother if not because we’re abstaining from sex for God”.

Brethren, who do we deceive? Remember, God can not be mocked.

Matthew 5:28– But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart

No matter how attached and connected you are, to your partner, if you have not been joined in marriage, God does NOT see you as one.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Ephesians 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

These scriptures clearly state that God permits and honors the joining of a man and a woman ONLY when they have become one in marriage.

Of course they will definitely be times when our flesh will do what it does best, try to rule. Don’t feel bad about it, it’s normal.

Unfortunately, religion makes us feel filthy and unholy whenever we feel sexual urges but this is wrong because our sexuality should be celebrated and not despised. God created us that way and it’s for a purpose.

I’ve read of many cases of couples who got married and had issues with their sexual lives because of the prolonged mentality that sex is impure and unholy.

They got to a point where they couldn’t bring themselves to accept sex as God’s design and this could spell doom for a marriage. I chose to point this out so that we can balance this topic.

Read: Is Honeymoon compulsory?

Should we Kiss in our Christian relationship?

Our intimacy with God through worship is synonymous to a kiss. We are the bride of Christ, not His “girlfriend or fiancee” (lol), so there’s no form of intimacy that is not allowed between God and us because we are MARRIED to Him.

Having a deep form of physical intimacy with someone you haven’t been joined in marriage to, is SIN and the Bible tells us to FLEE.

A french kiss between two unmarried is very risky and absolutely unnecessary. Why start something you can not finish?

Romans 8:8– So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.

If you’re here with the question “is it a sin if we kiss?”, then you’re looking for the wrong information.

1 Corinthians 6:12 All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.

Apostle Paul recognizes that some things may not be sins in themselves but they are not necessary. Doing it only shows how much power it has over you.

The question isn’t if it is a sin, the question is if it’s profitable to your walk with God.

Is it expedient? Are you being brought under its subjection?

Imagine if things don’t work out eventually in that relationship and you marry someone else, you would have just been kissing someone else’s husband or wife☺.

In view of these, I encourage Christians who have contemplations concerning kissing in their relationship, to have an understanding that it’s not so much about the kiss as it is about the posture of your heart and your intentions.

Without deceiving ourselves, we all know when the lines have been crossed and an initial harmless hug, cuddle, holding of hands or kiss is no longer sincere and out of a pure heart. You must consciously ensure, you don’t cross the line into lust.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8)

Let me know what you think in the comment section.

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