Now this is one step in this book that took me a lot of tears, prayers and trepidation to write about. Why?
Because I am also going to share my story, as I am instructed to do so by God. I know that God called me out of my imperfections and He intends to use them for Himself – to shine forth the light to others; but what He has asked me to share in this step is too deep.
I have told Him that I will definitely not find a husband after sharing this deep dark story in a book that will be read by lots of people but He has told me that that’s okay – I am not supposed to find him anyway, he will bring the husband to me.
I have asked Him what people will think about this; what will my parents think? And His only response to me was that He intends to use my imperfections for Himself. He has asked me to share my story, let Him heal me and heal the scars of others through this too.
And if He wants me to share my story in this book, then who am I to say no?
Never mind that I knew that I would share this story openly but wanted to wait till I was married with kids. But if He says now, then I say yes Lord.
Remember the relationship I talked about in “a bit of my walk in purpose” up there? I committed two abortions while I was in it. I was a novice at the sex deal and knew nothing about birth control. And so after eating the forbidden fruit outside of marriage for a few months, I got pregnant – of course that’s what you get when you have unprotected sex (and just so we know, any form of sex – protected or not – is frowned on by God when done outside marriage).
The obvious answer was to abort it because I could not imagine my parents knowing about it; neither could I imagine my fellowship at school getting wind of it.
To my young mind, there wasn’t really a choice to be made – just take it off. And the next time I got pregnant again, the answer was again simple – just take it off.
Most persons will tell you about the medical procedure but no one tells you about the psychological procedure involved in letting it all go.
Even after giving my life to Christ and becoming a tongue speaking lover of Christ, I still cowered under the weight of condemnation and scars gotten not from the abortion instruments used by the doctor, but scars deeply etched into my soul. I carried them around for years till God addressed my issue in a meeting I attended while I was at Law School.
The preacher suddenly veered off into talking about the weight of condemnation arising from past sins of abortion and I remember crying my heart and eyes out as I prayed to God. And that was it.
One sincere heart to heart talk with God and everything was taken away.
I remember speaking to my elder brother, the only person who knew that I had committed an abortion, and telling Him that God just addressed my issue in the meeting I just attended. That meeting happened in 2013.
This is 2015 and I can without doubt say that the weight of condemnation is all gone from my soul. I do not know how God did it, but a sense of wholeness overwhelmed me from that day. I finally believed like His Word says that He has washed me of all sins I committed before I came to Him and I am now a new creation in Christ.
As I type this right now, I am thinking of how God has taken my life and washed it clean one step at a time. So many dark stories – so many dark crevices – He took them all and let His light shine through them all.
This girl in Christ would not be here today without those dark years. But God has turned those dark years into light.
Who am I? Who is this flawed imperfect girl with a shady past that He loves this much? And then He still calls this broken-flawed-girl beautiful.
He not only brought light to my life through the dark years, He wants to bring light to others through my own past darkness.
I remember sharing this story in a conference I was opportune to speak at and the number of ladies that were just set free from the sins they were struggling with. What kind of God turns that which men believe should be hidden into testimonies for Himself?
Why would He want me to put something the world deems so shameful into a book – to be read by lots of people?
I mean, I used to be so ashamed of my past. I used to cover up in disgust at some of the things that I did in the past. But He has made me see; how can I not share my story about how God saved me from myself with others?
Someone else’s light can be lighted through God’s light in me and it would be a shame to miss out on bringing another life to God’s light.
Now, I believe that you understand why I feel an aching pain in my heart to spread forth the truth that young girls should live purposeful lives. I was once like them – drifting along with no idea that God has created me to be more and do more.
No one told me then that God has a unique niche for me to fill on earth. I had to grow into that knowledge as God revealed it to me and that’s exactly what I don’t want to be repeated in the lives of these young girls. Someone has to tell them not to repeat the same mistakes that I made and if it has to be me, then by all means, let it be me.
God knows that I have been there before so I know how it all works. So what did He do with my experience? He set it all up as a part of my purpose in Him.
And I believe that God wants every one of us to understand this truth too. Our past experiences weren’t given to us for us to sweep them under the carpet; they are all used in the good works that God has prepared for us before the beginning of time. Every experience – painful or not – that has ever happened in our lives lead us up to just one thing – God’s purpose for us. For God’s light to shine through our past darkness.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”– Romans 8:28, NLT
The past we feel like hiding all culminates in God’s purpose for our lives. We have got to look deep down into the experiences we have had in our lives. More often than not, God will also use them to point us towards our purpose on earth.
We are always drawn towards people going through what we have gone through in time past. But the thing is, we usually don’t like to look back into the past, some of us just want to bury the terrible experiences and sometimes, I want to do that too.
My family situation was rough for a better part of my young life and I do not like to remember the years when we always had my parents fighting in our home, but when I see a girl crying about her family situation, I know that I must tell her my story and let her know that God restores homes.
And it should be the same for us too.Our past experiences are lamp stands that point us towards who God wants us to be and what He wants us to do on earth for Him. Don’t hide the pain, let the pain of past experiences be healed by God and when He makes you whole again, use those experiences to bless the lives in front of you.God works out everything in our lives for good – He uses the good and the bad to bring out His good purposes in our lives. Don’t beat yourself up about your past, give it all to God and let Him wrought purpose in you through it.
He will mould that sad tale – that story you are tempted to sweep under the carpet and use it to bless lives for Him.Pay close attention to your past and present life experiences. Everything that has ever happened in your life leads you right back to walking in purpose for God while on earth. Let God mould you and bring you forth as refined gold for Him – usable for every good work.
Please share your story. Please own your brokenness. A life out there needs to hear it.
This is Step six, an excerpt from the book “10 Steps To Walking In Purpose” written by Hephzibah Frances.
To Keep In touch with the Author, follow her on: Instagram @HephzibahFrances