Tag: Relationship

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What should we discuss before marriage?

Understanding that you and your partner are different people in many ways is very important. When you understand this, you will see the need to know what their thoughts are on many things and voice your own thoughts and opinions too.

You can’t be having conflicting opinions about many crucial things in life with someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with.

I had a discussion with a few friends; married, newly married, about to be married, and singles about what partners should discuss before marriage.

I got a lot of interesting and helpful responses which I’m about to share.

So, if you intend getting married anytime in future, keep reading. You should also share with your friends who need to know these things.

sharing is caring

I am certain that no one has ever gone into marriage 100% prepared but causes for disagreements can be drastically reduced when certain things are discussed and settled ahead of time.

From my personal knowledge and the discussion I had with my friends, I coined out the following.

What should we discuss before marriage?

1. Money

lol, I tried hard not to make this the first but I couldn’t help it. Your finances when you’re single or dating is entirely different from when you get married. In fact, according to a research, money is the leading cause for divorce.

It is important to keep emotions aside and logically and clearly talk about money and money roles. Be clear on your mindsets about money. Are you on the same page in that regard? Discuss the following questions:

  • Will both parties be working and earning money?
  • Is any party indebted? Talk about debts.
  • Are you both going to have a joint account?
  • What percentage of your income goes into the joint account?
  • Who pays for what? (Down to little things around the house)
  • Spending habits (How much is too much to be spent on luxuries like cars, shopping, etc)
  • Necessary investments to make and what percentage of income should go in that direction.
  • Plans to secure the financial future of kids.

2. Daily Routine

Our lives are a sum of our daily activities. It’s easy to focus on the big and major stuff and discuss them while we ignore the “little stuff”. However, the seemingly little things now have the tendency to become a big deal in marriage. It’s better to leave no stones unturned.

“I feel Intending couples should invest quality time in talking about their daily routine. This is because the the couple would be spending the rest on their lives together Living each day at a time, so it’s good dig in to what each person expects on a daily basis. Nothing breeds frustration like assumptions”

Talk about your daily routine. Ask questions.

  • What time should we be awake?
  • What time should be dedicated to morning altar and what activities should be done? (Bible reading or just prayer, praise and worship?)
  • How long should the morning devotion be?
  • What devotional guide/study plan will be used (especially if you don’t attend same denomination)
  • Time for night prayer
  • Should a goodnight kiss become a tradition every night?
  • When there is a misunderstanding, is it okay to go to bed that way and discuss when we are both calm or must we settle before going to bed?
  • Do we sleep with lights on or off?

Duties

  • Who does what? (Dresses the bed/arranges the room, cleans other areas of the house, washes and cleans the car(s), fixes dinner, takes out the trash, does the dishes and must dishes be done every night or it’s okay to carry over to morning?)
  • Who does the final checks for the night (lock doors, switch on security/outside lights and switch of indoor lights, TV and other electronic gadgets)

3. Sex

Seeing that a christian relationship is not a Sexually active one, it’s best to leave it till it’s close to the wedding. But you can talk about what you think you’d like to know. Like how far you are willing to explore your sexual life, how far you are willing to go, how often it should be and so on. It is also pertinent to discuss health concerns, if there are any.

4. Extended family

We must understand that when we marry someone, we are marrying their entire family too. Family is a huge part of both your lives but you’re coming together to start a new family which should be priority.

It is important to create systems to help you still stay in touch with your individual families and show them love but still prioritize each other.

Boundaries should be set. It is important to discuss about every family member in detail with your spouse to be. This should be vice versa. Emphasis on mum, dad and family members whose voice matter.

Tell your partner about their attitude and how to relate with them. You have lived with your family members all your life & you know their love and anger button. Relate this to your spouse to be to help he /she in relating with them.

How much room is to be given to in-laws?

  • Can in-laws visit? How long? What kind of in-law? (Just immediate family or everyone from the village?)
  • What are you both allowed to do and give to your families?
  • Do in-laws have a say in your marriage? In some families, some important decisions cannot be taken until certain people accept it. Who are these people? Let your partner know them. Could be an aunty, uncle, elder sibling.

5. Children

Children are a big deal. Forgetting to discuss them is a recipe for many unnecessary future differences.

  • Do you both want kids?
  • Are you waiting before having kids?
  • How many kids?
  • Are you spacing them?
  • Godforbid, but if the need arises, are you both open to the idea of things like IVFs, C-sections, Surrogacy?
  • Dual citizenship for your kids? Are you saving up or praying towards that?
  • Trust funds, and investments for the kids?

6. Family value system

Together, you should create your family value system while courting. Family value system is synonymous to family goals..
This is the system that guides your operation as a family..
For a Christian couple, you should have core values like love, forgiveness, joy, care, righteousness, peace, prosperity, healing, diligence, purity, good character, excellence, patience, faithfulness etc.
These goals will be passed on to the children when they come.

Generally, there shouldn’t be a limit to what can be discussed in a courtship/relationship. It is wise to speak up and ask questions especially about things you have concerns about. Communicate and avoid assumptions like a plague.

Special thanks to Mrs B. Andrews, Chef George, Mrs. O, and Chef Paul for their huge contributions to this post.

What other topics should be discussed before marriage? Leave a comment and let us continue the conversation below.

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Kissing in a Christian Relationship

Disclaimer!
This post isn’t in any way aimed at judging anyone. Everything you’re about to read was inspired by God’s Spirit and coined from the Bible, research and my personal musings.

This is going to be a fairly lengthy post with a lot of scriptures because the Bible is our reference.

You may not agree with everything you’ll read here due to your mindset, denomination or perspective but it’d be great if you opened up your heart and be flexible enough to let the Holy Spirit minister to you through this post.

The issue of kissing in a Christian relationship is a very touchy and sensitive one but in today’s post, I won’t handle it as such.

So if you’re in a Christian relationship and you and your partner want to honor God as you head towards marriage, you need to read this.

If to you, this shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion because you think it’s perfectly normal to kiss or even have sex in a Christian relationship then I advice you to patiently read on also, you just might learn a thing or two.

If you’re vehemently against posts like this or you’re defensive because you’re already engaged in this act, then I encourage you to read as well because the sin you’re most defensive about is usually the most deadly to your walk with God.

This topic is a volatile one that may want to spread and lead to other things like sex, marriage and so on, but I will try to stay within the boundaries of what we’re talking about today.

I’ve had contemplations about this issue for years now, but God has helped me and brought an end to the tug of war in my mind as and I’ve been able to prayerfully articulate my thoughts, (though not in a very organized form) into this blog post.

I hope you’re blessed, edified and positively transformed as that is the aim of this post.
May the Holy Spirit minister to you as you read.

Titus 1:15 Christian Standard Bible
To the pure, everything is pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; in fact, both their mind and conscience are defiled.

The above scripture, although powerful and well meaning, has been used by many Christian to justify unholy and impure acts.

What is a kiss?

A kiss is the touch or pressing of one’s lips against another person or an object. Cultural connotations of kissing vary widely. Depending on the culture and context, a kiss can express sentiments of love, passion, romance, sexual attraction, sexual activity, sexual arousal, affection, respect, greeting, friendship, peace, and good luck, among many others – Wikipedia

The fact that kisses are a form of greeting should silence the religious shouts of protests that arise in your head every time you hear the word “kiss”.

Also, the word “kiss” is used 46 times in the Bible, in good context, so it can’t be a bad thing.

We have several forms of kisses and they serve different purposes;

  • Kisses can be used to show allegiance e.g when Samuel kissed Saul in 1 Sam 10:1.

1 Samuel 10:1 Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon his head, and kissed him, and said, Is it not because the LORD hath anointed thee to be captain over his inheritance?

  • Kisses can be used to show friendship or love for family e.g Esau’s kiss to Jacob in Gen 33:4.

Genesis 33:4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.

Please take note that Jacob’s kiss to Rachel in Gen 29:1 was one of affection and love for family as Rachel was his cousin.
  • Finally, we have the amorous kiss (also known as the “French kiss”) which we see in Songs of Solomon 1:2.

Song of Solomon 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

This is the kiss we’re talking about.

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Read: Keys and scriptures for Christian relationships

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with showing appreciation and love through harmless kisses on the forehead or cheek, depending on your cultural environment and personal dealings with the Holy Spirit.
But you must know where to draw the lines between a kiss of love and appreciation and that of Lust.

The Amorous or French Kiss

1 CORINTHIANS 6:18–20

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

The “Amorous” Or “French kiss” is one that is directly linked to sexual activities.
It involves passion and arousal and more often than not, results in raging hormones which may eventually lead to fornication.

We must remember that our God is one that searches the heart and not just our actions. The posture of our hearts mean more to God than what we do, so if you have mastered a level of discipline to ensure that your physical touch with your partner does not lead to sex, but you do every other thing, (kissing, hugging, and even cuddling), with a lustful heart, you have fornicated already.

As simple as a hug seems, it can be sinful.

These are bitter pills, I know, but swallow them.

Unfortunately, many “virgins” in today’s world have fornicated many times without the actual physical penetration. This is one of the reasons, I believe why the World Sexual Purity Day (November 14th) isn’t about virgins but for everyone who has chosen to stay sexually pure for God because the moment you make the decision to become sexually pure and honor God with your body, He cleans your past and you start on a new note.

What’s the point of being in a Christian relationship and claiming to abstain from sex until marriage if you still have “unholy kiss”. You have all forms of unnecessary intimacy with your partner (apart from sex) but in your mind, you tell yourself “I know what I would have done to that sister/brother if not because we’re abstaining from sex for God”.

Brethren, who do we deceive? Remember, God can not be mocked.

Matthew 5:28– But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart

No matter how attached and connected you are, to your partner, if you have not been joined in marriage, God does NOT see you as one.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Ephesians 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

These scriptures clearly state that God permits and honors the joining of a man and a woman ONLY when they have become one in marriage.

Of course they will definitely be times when our flesh will do what it does best, try to rule. Don’t feel bad about it, it’s normal.

Unfortunately, religion makes us feel filthy and unholy whenever we feel sexual urges but this is wrong because our sexuality should be celebrated and not despised. God created us that way and it’s for a purpose.

I’ve read of many cases of couples who got married and had issues with their sexual lives because of the prolonged mentality that sex is impure and unholy.

They got to a point where they couldn’t bring themselves to accept sex as God’s design and this could spell doom for a marriage. I chose to point this out so that we can balance this topic.

Read: Is Honeymoon compulsory?

Should we Kiss in our Christian relationship?

Our intimacy with God through worship is synonymous to a kiss. We are the bride of Christ, not His “girlfriend or fiancee” (lol), so there’s no form of intimacy that is not allowed between God and us because we are MARRIED to Him.

Having a deep form of physical intimacy with someone you haven’t been joined in marriage to, is SIN and the Bible tells us to FLEE.

A french kiss between two unmarried is very risky and absolutely unnecessary. Why start something you can not finish?

Romans 8:8– So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.

If you’re here with the question “is it a sin if we kiss?”, then you’re looking for the wrong information.

1 Corinthians 6:12 All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.

Apostle Paul recognizes that some things may not be sins in themselves but they are not necessary. Doing it only shows how much power it has over you.

The question isn’t if it is a sin, the question is if it’s profitable to your walk with God.

Is it expedient? Are you being brought under its subjection?

Imagine if things don’t work out eventually in that relationship and you marry someone else, you would have just been kissing someone else’s husband or wife☺.

In view of these, I encourage Christians who have contemplations concerning kissing in their relationship, to have an understanding that it’s not so much about the kiss as it is about the posture of your heart and your intentions.

Without deceiving ourselves, we all know when the lines have been crossed and an initial harmless hug, cuddle, holding of hands or kiss is no longer sincere and out of a pure heart. You must consciously ensure, you don’t cross the line into lust.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8)

Let me know what you think in the comment section.

Read also : Why you should pray with scriptures

Can you handle his assignment?

15 Lessons from the Proverbial Girl Devotional

Pictures source: Pinterest

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Relationship || Can You Bear The Weight Of His Assignment?

Who you’re in a relationship with when you’re going through process, determines a lot. Your partner has the power to fast track or inhibit your progress.

One of the most important things to consider before going into a love relationship with someone is compatibility. Not just compatibility in behavior but also compatibility in purpose.

Are you ready to marry the vision of your partner?

Conflict in assignments and purpose of the two parties create friction in relationships.

This post is particularly directed at women. What is your man’s assignment, what does it entail, what is your contribution likely to be and can you afford it?

People hardly pay attention to things like purpose or assignment when faced with the choice of a life partner. They close their eyes to that aspect of life because it is not very evident at that point. They bury it under the carpet only to have it resurface in future bigger and destructive.

There is no assignment without a price to be paid but having the understanding of his passions and where he’s likely heading helps you sit back to count the cost before accepting a potential partner. When a man begins to pay the price for his assignment, his woman will not be left out. She may even have to bear a larger part of the burden as he may lean on her for support sometimes but having a prior knowledge helps prepare and brace her up to the challenge.

It is foolish to go along with a man whose assignment you’re not willing to support and sacrifice for. Permit me to even call it wicked because you will end up frustrating the man.

The greatest gift you can give to your man is to believe in him.

– Yusuf Yerimah (ENI)

Of course, there will be unexpected moments, and sacrifices will arise that you didn’t prepare for but these will be on few occasions. The greater part of your lives will be filled with almost predictable events.

If a man’s actions seems to be tailored towards the five fold ministry and you happen to be the sister he saw in his “visions” as his wife, don’t just rush to say yes. God doesn’t coerce men, that is why he gave us our will. You have the option to say no if you believe you’ll do more harm than good to his purpose or you’re not ready for the sacrifices that come with being a Pastor’s wife.

A man who is a budding entrepreneur will have a lot of highs and lows and that will require a lot of patience and support from you as the lady, be prepared for it or just say no.

Sometimes, getting ready to bear the weight of your man’s assignment, will require you developing thick skin and being strong. Sometimes, it may even demand that your own assignment/purpose be suspended or reduced for a while.

Almost every woman wants a “purpose driven man”, but how many are ready to give it what it takes?

Having an idea of his assignment and likely sacrifices to be made together with the willingness to support him forms part of the framework of a solid relationship.

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it. For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? :If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace – Jesus

Also to encourage women already making these sacrifices for their men; The sacrifices men make usually has a lot to do with their assignments; a man with an unusual kind of assignment and purpose will likely have to make unusual sacrifices, you must build enough fortitude to bear it to help him get to his desired destination. A strong man needs a strong woman because the role of the Queen is to protect her King. Consider yourself blessed to have a man with a vision because men without vision have nowhere to go so they eventually return to their past.