Category: Relationship

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Sex in a Christian Relationship

Over the past few weeks, the number of stories and cases of premarital sex I’ve heard is quite high. Even amongst the least likely people.

I’ve gotten mails and messages from a couple of people, asking about my thoughts on premarital sex and I’m addressing it all today.

I understand when non-christians engage in casual sex. In fact, that is the trend in our world today. Sex in love relationships is seen as normal and usual.

But I’ve always said and we see from scriptures that when you become one with Christ, you are new and cease to act like every other person.
You are no longer led by trends and patterns of the world but by the Spirit of God. So even when the whole world is involved in a practice, that should not move you

Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God’s will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in his eyes. Romans 12:2 TPT


I never have and will never be judgemental about things like this, however, God’s standards do not change and without mincing words, I’d like to start by saying that God is not in support of any kind of sex outside marriage. Premarital sex is fornication and extramarital sex is adultery. Both of these are sins and are not of God. It is God’s will that we stay chaste until marriage.

Apart from the Biblical aspects, there are other downsides to fornicate that range from pregnancy, to clouded judgement, to STDs and so on.
Engaging in premarital sex clouds your perspective and makes you shallow. You cease focusing on the very important and necessary things because your hormones would have clouded your lenses.
Today, I’ll be talking strictly about premarital sex (fornication) and extramarital (adultery) because I’m not married yet and I don’t feel authorized to talk about it.

Let’s talk.

A Christian relationship is not and should not be the world’s definition of a relationship. A Christian relationship is where a Christian home starts.
All things being equal, a Christian relationship should end up in marriage and not just any marriage but a marriage that brings glory to God. And so values that are consistent with God’s Word are built from the relationship level.

That being said, you’ll be delusional to be in a non-christian relationship and expect to magically land in a Godly Kingdom home.
No No No. It doesn’t work like that. Building a godly home, starts from a godly relationship.


However, the fact that you’re in a Christian relationship does not negate your biology.

It is very important to be physically attracted to your partner and if this is in place, then there definitely will be days when you want to give way to the flesh and just have sex. This is why you must intentionally put systems in place to ensure that this does not happen.

Also, if you’re already involved in premarital sex, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not too late to make a new decision. Go before God in repentance and start on a new note.


Below are a few ways to maintain or start practicing abstinence in your Christian relationship.
+ A short prayer at the end.

It starts with God and You

If you do not make the resolve within yourself even before you get into a relationship not to engage in premarital sex, then no one can help you.

Your inner resolve is very powerful and is the first step in this journey. Understand the importance of your body to God and based on this understanding, make a commitment to God and yourself to keep your body.
You can not do this by your strength, so you must acknowledge your humanity and weakness before God and ask Him to help you.

Grace + your self discipline is the first step.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:1 KJV

You and your partner should be on the same page.

A nice young lady once lamented to me about how much she wants to honor God and stay away from premarital sex but her man was not helping. He kept luring her into it.

Frankly speaking, as an unmarried, after God, your body belongs to you, so no one has legal rights and claims over your body. You must be rigid with your resolve to stay celibate and make it clear to your partner.

Together, you should make a commitment to keep your bodies until marriage.

Sis, if he does not agree with this, then it simply means, you both do not have the same fundamental background values and I’m sorry it may just be time to let that man-go.

Be accountable.

First to God, then to either your mentor, pastor or even parents. It’s easier to behave yourself when you know your spiritual leaders are aware of your relationship.

Set specific boundaries.

When some people say they don’t kiss in their relationship, I see the look of disbelief, mockery and sarcasm on other people’s faces.

If someone chooses not to kiss or be intimate in other ways in their relationship, they’re not being “too holy”, they’re just setting boundaries to keep them in check.

A pidgin adage says “”na from clap dance they start“. This means that one thing leads to another. Never be ashamed of setting specific boundaries in your relationship.

Avoid creating the atmosphere.

Just like you can create an atmosphere of worship for the Holy Spirit to come, you can create an atmosphere that triggers your hormones.

Amen? Amen.

Candle lit dinner dates, going over to the house for a visit at night or alone and so on, are good but will only create an atmosphere for raging hormones. Don’t start what you won’t like to finish.
A pastor friend of mine said “Sex is spontaneously easy to fall into, so don’t create the environment to begin with.”

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. Song of Solomon 2:7 MSG

Channel the vibe elsewhere

Whenever the urge comes, do something else to distract you. Understand your body and be disciplined. The period when you have raging hormones, is not the tine to be seated in a house together. That’s the time to pray, go shopping, eat out or anything that takes the feeling away.

Finally, pray together, often.

“Marriage is honourable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4

Have you read these? : Kissing in a Christian Relationship

Scriptures and keys for godly relationships

Tame your love language

Prayer

Lord, we give You thanks for our beautiful friendship and relationship. We come before you today in repentance from any way we have dishonored You in our relationship, especially with our bodies. We make the decision today to stay chaste, holy and celibate, honoring You with our body and we ask that You help us. Thank You for Your Love that is ever with us and for Your Grace that strengthens us to do Your will. In Jesus’ Name we pray.

Amen

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Relationship || Tame Your Love Language

Everything is permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything [and brought under its power, allowing it to control me].
1 CORINTHIANS 6:12 AMP

Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
If you exist on planet earth, then you must have, at one time or the other, come across the question “What is your Love language?” Or even read the book “5 Love languages” by Gary Chapman.

People give and receive love in different ways.
The purpose of understanding love languages is to help you give love properly because, love languages are simply the unique ways people want to be loved and are likely the ways they give love to others.

Many a times, people speak their own love language to their partner instead of trying to understand their partner’s love language and this leaves them both in confusion like the people who attempted building the tower of Babel.

For complete unity and cooperation, you must speak the same language or at least understand each other’s language so you both can speak it well.

If a man’s love language is words of affirmation but his lady’s love language is physical touch and they’re both not aware of each other’s love language, she’ll always be clingy and he won’t understand why. And he’ll always shower her with praises and expect her to do same but she will not appreciate his words of affirmation neither will she reciprocate.

So, understanding your love language and your partner’s, and properly communicating it amongst yourselves is very important.
But that isn’t the aim of my post today.

I wrote all of that to create a background for people who aren’t very aware of what a love language is.

The point of my post today, is to ask you to get a grip on your love language.

While musing, praying and brainstorming on what post to make for valentine, a friend called me and we had a discussion that inspired me to write this article. The topic “Tame your love language” immediately came to my mind.
I’ve seen people time and time again, use love language as an excuse for their extreme behaviors.

For instance, when a lady is materialistic, you hear her say things like “Receiving gifts is my love language“. When a guy is slowly drifting towards fornication and is queried, he says “Physical touch is my love language”.

Who are we trying to deceive?

In his letter to the Corinthians, Apostle Paul clearly explained that we must be careful not to become slaves to certain things.

“….Just because something is technically legal doesn’t mean that it’s spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I’d be a slave to my whims…”
1 Corinthians 6:12 (MSG)

Your love language is the way you receive love, not the ruling factor of your life. This is particularly for singles.

You must learn to tame your love language because;

  • Your love language is likely your weak point and if you’re slave to it, it’ll lead you to sin.
  • You are expected to control your physical urges and appetites especially as a Christian.
  • Your partner likely has a different love language and a relationship is about 2 people so your love language has to be suppressed in order to give theirs, space for expression.

You should read this – KEYS AND SCRIPTURES FOR A HEALTHY CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP

Below, I’ll list the love languages and state the disadvantages of being extreme about them and also how you can curb them.

1. Words of affirmation

To me, this is the easiest love language because it costs next to nothing. It’s good to love words of affirmation from your partner but when it becomes excessive, you should watch it.
Learn to be confident in yourself and in your identity in Christ, such that whether or not you’re appreciated, you won’t be affected.

Excessive wants for words of affirmation can leave you in a state of unhealthy dependence on what others think of you.
Avoid craving the affirmation of men because you’ll be disappointed a lot of the time.

2. Quality time.

If quality time is your love language, learn to be considerate. Your partner may be sensitive and not want to hurt your feelings. So they may not tell you when you’re consuming the time they planned for other important things.
Enjoy the time spent and their company but also try to consider their own schedules too. Especially if quality time is not their love language.

In a bid to spend “quality time” with each other,you both be using up time meant for other equally important projects and end up being unproductive.

3. Receiving gifts

This is even more disturbing when you’re not married yet, and you’re obsessed with receiving gifts from them.
Curb your appetite for material things, especially if your partner does not have a stable income or is not financially buoyant yet.

Appreciate gifts when you’re given but don’t be obsessed.

FLAWS IN CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIPS

4. Acts of service.

Your partner may not be a huge fan of domestic chores and things like that. Don’t put up an attitude every time they can’t help you with chores.

5. Physical touch.

Curb it!!!
Satan is the master of senses and knows how to make little things quickly escalate. If physical touch is your love language, you must be careful. Don’t be ignorant of Satan’s devices. Especially as a Christian, some things are not beneficial to you.

As we celebrate love on Thursday, avoid being extreme and using “it’s my love language” as an excuse.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION – If he doesn’t remember to say “Happy Valentine’s” on time, say it yourself.

QUALITY TIME – If she’s busy or far away from you and can’t spend quality time with you on Valentine’s Day, understand and spend time together on Skype or phone calls.

RECEIVING GIFTS – If you do not get expensive gifts, be content with what you get.

ACTS OF SERVICE – If you don’t see any efforts on her part, politely speak with her about it.

PHYSICAL TOUCH – When the chemistry becomes high and things get heated, take a walk in a public place and avoid unnecessary contact.

Let us love and be loved. But let us do it rightly.

Losing self-control leaves you as helpless as a city without a wall.
Proverbs 25:28 CEV

KISSING IN A CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP